About A Girl….

The Pictures Represent (from left to right) : MY PAST, MY PRESENT, THE FUTURE I DREAD, THE FUTURE I WISH FOR, MY HOMEWORK FOR DR CLARICE.

She grew up hating the world she is living in. When you looked into the crystal ball of her past, you will understand why….

When she was only a child, she saw her dad’s infidelity and how her parents’ marriage broke down and lead to a divorce. She wondered why she didn’t see her parents fight over custody of her, like what was usually shown on TV. She stayed with neither her dad nor mom, instead her grandparents and aunties took her in.

Years after years, she heard these familiar statements whenever she is naughty. “No wonder, none of your parents want you, you are really impossible!” “Do you know that you are staying at other people’s house, so you better be good!” “Go to your parents, if you don’t like it here. They don’t even want you!”

When she was in her teen, her mom asked her to move in, she jumped for joy…. only to discover later, she couldn’t bond with her mom anymore. Her mom had already missed the only chance of her childhood, the gap between them is way too far, to retrieve any emotional connections between a mother and a daughter. She left her mom, and returned to stay with her former family, as she still loved her granny very much.

When her granny gave up fighting cancer, she became resentful. She was angry with her granny for falling sick, she couldn’t accept that the only person who truly cares for her, would be leaving her soon. She hated feeling this way towards the only person she was attached to, but she just didn’t know how to stop herself from feeling devastated. When her granny past away, she regretted not telling her how sorry she was for behaving selfishly and the only reason for avoiding her sick granny, was that she fear the separation that death was about to bring. She was terrified of losing the only person she lived for. She was more lost than ever.

From then on, she couldn’t wait for herself to grow up, so she can afford a place of her own, a place where she can feel belongs to, a place where she wouldn’t be abandoned.

She spent her entire life, searching for a home, a family that she can truly call her own. Many times, she thought she had found what she was looking for all her life, only to be thrown further and further away from her dreams. Her life is like a ball of yarn, it just got more and more knotted up… and she just took a pair of scissors and started snipping all the knots away… leaving fragments of her memories incomplete.

Some people grow up, wanting fame, money or power etc… All that she is asking for is a family, a place where she can belong. She has worked hard for her own house now, but she had already been so messed up inside. When she looked into the crystal ball, she could only see the song of these lyrics:

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Music Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WP5AsY0Wevs&search=kelly%20clarkson

I am so drugged…..

Last night, I started on my medication. It really did knock me out within half an hour. But this morning, I had a fucking hard time waking myself up. I heard the door bell rang impatiently and someone was calling me on my mobile too. Shit! The workers are coming over to paint my walls, and I really needed to get to the door. I guessed I must have struggled for at least a minute before I finally pulled myself up without having to roll off the bed. I staggered to the door with enormous effort. After I let the workers in, I muttered something which I don’t even remember and headed straight to my bed again. I was concussed almost immediately.

I slept for another 2 hours until one of the workers knocked on my room door as they needed to touch-up the room’ paint. I had to struggle to get myself off the bed; I sat at the edge of the bed fighting off drowsiness and dizziness. I am so fucking drugged.

When I finally got my butt off the bed, I went to the kitchen to cook lunch. I opened and closed the door of the fridge umpteen times, pondering over I want to cook. Fuck! I really hate the feelings of being a retard. A friend msn me, and commented that I was fucking slow with my reply. Damn it! He had just reassured my retarded-ness, there and then!

I called up my ex and learnt that he couldn’t bring Oki over this weekend, as his car is still in the workshop after his accident, earlier this week. That was it! I was thrown into an uncontrollable crying fit! I needed love!! I needed Oki!! I just hold on to the line and cried, for what seems like an eternity. Finally he gave it and promised to find a solution, after knowing how badly I needed Oki to be around.

I was really typing out this piece of blog with eyelids that are as heavy as a ton of lead. My vision is blurred and my head can’t stop spinning. You might not know, but I had actually wrote this entry on MS Word before I paste over for submission, because I kind of lose the ability to spell properly.

I will be flying off tomorrow, for my week long offsite meeting in K.L, Malaysia. It’s going to be a hectic week and I really need to be focus and display my showmanship at the regional Trainers’ Meeting, to make an impression on all the bosses. My fucking career is on the chopping board! Now I just wonder how the hell am I going to pull through with all these fuck clouding in my head.

I think I will lay off the medication for a while, at least for the whole of next week when I am in K.L. It works more like a depressant rather than an anti-depressant for me! I hate feeling like a loser!! What the fuck!

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Lovely flowers from an ordinary friend. I put them in my room, hoping that they will cheer up me.

The Shrink And I

I went to the doctor on Thur, had a throbbing headache that was murdering me and felt a little feverish too. I wondered if there was a time bomb ticking away in my head and is it going to blow me off?

I have insomnia for more than 2 years already. This couple of weeks, it was getting from bad to worst, I have problem coping with only 2-3 hours of sleep everyday. My "engines" are falling apart; it has really been affecting my daily life and worst of all I started drinking every night again!! I thought hell; I might as well ask the doctor for Stilnox to help me sleep. Fuck quitting it, I can’t take it any longer.

The GP at Raffles Medical Group told me that her clinic does not prescribe sleeping pills and she urged me to let her, refer me to a psychiatrist. A SHRINK!!! I am fucked! The last time, I visited one was about 7 years ago, for acute depression, it had left me a bitter taste in my throat. All the psychiatrist did was to shove me with a truckload of pills that made me really forgetful and I felt damn retarded. I stopped after a while and decided to be my own doctor and declared myself well. But now…. what the heck….. I can use some drug. I just desperately need my sleep and my health.

I went to the appointment today. The shrink asked me to recall the "trigger" of my sleep problem. I told her it was more than 2 years back and I really can’t recall anything. She gave a chart with some ratings of "very bad, bad, good and very good" and asks me to rate each year of my life, as I best recalled them to be. When she saw what I had done, she told me that I had deliberately blocked out my memory for painful periods of my life, because the years which followed the "very bad" would be missing of a rating. She told me, my insomnia is just a tip of the iceberg, if I seriously want to recover; I need to find myself and stop pretending like I am doing fine…. At the moment, I cried…. I cried so fucking hard, it was like bursting of an overly pressured flood-gate. God! I was practically bawling my eyes out throughout the entire 45mins’ session.

Maybe she was right, I had not recovered from depression throughout these years, all I did, was to try my very best to suppress it…. and it looks like I am losing my gripe….

I went home with a packet of Remerons (Mirtazapine) and a piece of "homework" from my shrink. I will have to draw 4 pictures, representing ‘my past’, ‘my present’, ‘the future I fear’ and ‘the future I wish for’ and bring them to her in my next appointment. I don’t wanna think of what to draw for I fear to recall the past and/or imagine the future.

Yes… I am officially a nutcase now, so please fucking stay away from me.

An MSN Chat’s Question…

WOULD U LIVE A LIFE TRAPPED IN HELL? …Nahh… Not the serious… just something to share…..

N says:

wat if your bf is smart, double master degree but working as customer service manager earning 1.8k per month. would you consider?

CcIiNnDdYy says:

I dun care what’s the qualification, but I look up to street-wise guy who can work his way up in a smart way…and the persistence to pursue success in a "nothing gets in my way" attitude

CcIiNnDdYy says:

dbl master degree with a $1.8K salary oni reflect how complacent this man truly is. and i can’t tolerate complacency

CcIiNnDdYy says:

maybe i m pragmatic…but experience tells me incompatibility in wage dun leads to anything gd. However it is, men stil need their ego rite

                    Would any of you be considering man like that??

Hung Over!

When I am intoxicated… I behave silly… then I do stuff that I will hate myself for…

Last nite, I had a "drowning" session at my place. Those invited, were the guys, I have been hanging out with for the last 10 years…(Geez..time passes fucking fast).

Can’t recall exactly how much I had drank… There was Baileys, Martell, some red wine, lots of beers… Did felt high, but still kinda sober, or so I thought…

My ex (he was among the invited) came into the room to check if I had passed out. (Haha… I got so lousy meh?). We then talked about work and the shit that I encountered during these few months. Suddenly I just burst out crying… I realised that I had been surpressing my fear and frustrations for the longest time. I had not been comfortable sharing my vunerabilities to anyone…. He was my best friend, who had been the one to give me sound advise, prep me up or to help me rationalized things that require a logical mind (yup, I am totally unlogical)… Maybe I had lost a lover, but I think haven’t lose a friend…

This morning, I got up with swollen eyes, a throbbing head and a series of gout attacks! My fucking joints are swollen and I can’t sit crossing my legs, my fingers looks like hotdogs! Short and bloated! I really shouldn’t have hit the bottles again… I was a reformed alcoholic. Am I an ex-reformed alcoholic now?

What to do with all those left-over? Hmm….. I should finish them up, before going cold turkey to kick the habit. That’s quite an idea!

I can’t slump in my bed any longer, gotta get up and soak myself in my tub … and let the pain go away… Ouch!!…Damn it…. Ouch!!…

Love & Bubble Gums?

Love is like chewing a piece of bubble gum. As sweet as it may seems in the beginning, as time passes on, it turns into a mash of rubber, tasteless and sticky… Some would want to pop in another new one, even before spitting out the old one.

Chewing it doesn’t keep you alive, it doesn’t replace food. And I don’t even know if chewing on it keeps you happy. When the taste has completely gone, you just wanted to spit it out and try something else. Still no matter how, when there comes another piece of gum, you would want to pop it into your mouth once again…. til the sweetness runs out just as usual.

In life, there is no absolutions, so why love others more than you would love yourself ?

perhaps….dreams…..

I had a dream last nite… thought I was living life like before and everything that happen these 2 years was nothing but a nightmare. A nightmare that I had to wake myself up from….

When I literally woke up, I found tears in my eyes. I guess I must have cried because I don’t want to wake up to the real world. I want my old life back…. But reality is, I can’t…. Nothing can turn back the clock, nor there is ever a time machine.

Sometimes, I find it so hard to deal with the actualization of reality, it’s eating my life away… it seems to make me "die" in a slow but painful manner, each day, knowing that I am not happy and I have to pretend to be…

I stayed at home over the weekends, all the weekends, as long as I dun have work to complete. At times, I would even go to the extreme of denying any guests to visit me at home. Total confinement!! I just wanna be with my dog. I am fucking disgusted to face human being, a bunch of liars and manipulators.  Very tiring, very sickening to filter out who is real and who isn’t….

Why can’t we be more open? what’s fucking wrong with being honest?? Why must we "sugar-coat" every fucking thing in the world? All the pretences and facades, it is purely pathetic.

I just wanna have my old life back, where I was naive and had not seen the evil of the world….. Where I can believe love exist and maybe even fairies or prince charming too….

I wish I can sleep forever, so I can live in the realm of my own dreams, a place that I can never ever go to……

Everyday… life is like a show… a fucking good show

Gain Some… Lost Some…

Recently I felt fucking restless, I don’t know how to describe but I just keep seeing how starkly empty my soul has been.

It all started when someone very close to me confide to me about an impending break-up. After spending many years of their lives, building and shaping their ideal future, they might be going separate ways now? It is an irony that their devotions to make more money for a wonderful life together is destroying their ultimate goal of “living happily ever after”.

Sometimes we pursue our dreams so hard that we forgot to stop and check if the directions we are heading are really the correct ones. The couple I knew, work their asses off, and had come such a long way from being poor to having their own registered company.

When we spent all our time and energy focusing on the material wealth and comfort, we are not aware that we had been robbed of the greatest thing life has to offer… Love. It wasn’t just them who haven’t seen it coming; I was someone who fell hard into that chase of materialism too.

Money won’t make you happier. Yes, I do agree…. but without money, you definitely won’t be happy too. Many years back, when my ex and I started living together, he was still serving his NS and I was out of job, we barely survived; we had to think thrice before buying a can of coke that only cost $1. And we even had to share it too! Just then, we knew how miserable life could be without money, and it drove us to devoting all our time and effort to earn that little bit of luxury. We started to have more material possessions; we also get more problems, but much lesser time to love each other. Eventually we are blinded by “what else we could own” and we ended up being at opposite ends of our lives.

Now I am staying all by myself, in a private apartment. The good thing now is I can afford to drink coke that cost $8 in some places; however, it will always taste plain compared to that $1 coke that I shared with my ex, years ago.

I guess… It is not the value of the item, that make it more precious, it is about knowing how to cherish it dearly that will always make it seems so priceless. While you gain some, you lose some along the way… but so many thing lost will become irretrievable forever. After living in comfort, would I be reluctant to go back in time to suffer poverty once more, just to find true love? I seriously doubt I can do it.

Perhaps I just had to live with the fact, that I had already exchanged comfort with my own happiness.

Jaded…

Many years back, there was this song, “Jaded” by Aerosmith, it was really quite a good piece of shit. Loved it! Now when I think of this word, I could only relate it to the way I feel about falling in love.

Not just because I was hurt or I am not moving on, but the people that I see derailing each day, just make me feel so drained up. Many of these people told me that they are breaking up or cheating periodically, because their relationship had became so stale and love must have somehow faded with changing lives and passing of time. They want to seek excitement and experience new lease of life with another person. I am not an exception, I felt this way too in the past…. Why can’t I? I am just a fucking mortal too!

If all else changes with time, why bother falling in love? What exactly is love?

It is not the passionate kisses.

It is not the hot and sweaty making outs.

It is not those sweet words you whispered.

It is not the feeling of “butterflies in the tummy” when you go out on a date.

It is not the electrifying current you get whenever you are being hugged.

It is not that caresses or the hugs, each time you wake up to.

It is not the romantic candles light dinners or the expensive gifts.

It is not the sensational slow dance at the club.

It is not spoiling and pleasing each other silly.

It is not the smiles and the flowers that you get.

It is not the endless conversations that you had.

It is not how much you wanted to see each other.

It is not the desire to hold and touch.

It is not saying “I love you forever”.

It is not saying “I miss you so much, my dear”.

It is not spending all the time in the world together.

It is not how badly you want to be with each other when you are apart.

It is not how you look into each other’s eyes.

It is not how much fun you had watching a movie.

It is not the attractiveness of the looks.

It is not the money that is splurged on you.

It is not the length of time that you are together.

It is not the responsibility either.

So what exactly is the fuck about love??

It is coming to term to accept the fact that he/she is part of you….

Not part of your life, but PART OF YOU!

Like your heart or your liver….. part of you.

When you hurt yourself, your partner feels the pain. When your partner failed you, you wind up in misery. You can always do an organ transplant, but remember …… that part of you, when is gone and will never come back again.

MY OKI AND ME

The love of my life…. He means the world to me! But I only get to see him over the weekends… miss him every single day….

Don’t fucking piss me off, by asking me to leave him at home and go out with you during the weekends.

What’s the distance between you & me?

I read this one somewhere:

The furthest distance between two persons, is not being at the opposite sides of the world but is when I am standing right in front of you and you don’t even know that I love you….

Then I feel it should be like this:

The furthest distance between two persons, is not when I am standing right in front of you and you don’t even know that I love you, but when two persons had hurt each other so much that it is impossible to love each other again….

And this is what I think now:

The furthest distance between two persons, is not when two persons had hurt each other so much that it is impossible to love each other again but when two persons were so in love and one of them is dead….