I am feeling so lost… I don’t know how to begin…

Whenever I look at my calendar I try to plan my rest day, so that I get to see Oki and still get to accompany Mr Ex-Schoolmate to spend some quality time together as a couple.

This evening, I suggested that the 3 of us go out for dinner together. I guess, it’s the dumbest move I had ever made. We went to Farm-Mart which is near my place, coz I noticed Mr Ex-Schoolmate seemed rather tired today and this place just a stone thrown and it allows dogs, so Oki can join us.

Oki was a little wired up today, and I don’t know why. He was making hell lot of sound as we were getting ready to go out. I noticed Mr Ex-Schoolmate was seemingly frustrated at his behavior. When we were half way thru our dinner, 2 stray dogs appeared suddenly beside Oki, this got Oki really agitated and started barking like mad. Things just got so much worst when 2 JRT appeared at the same time. Oki was all hyped up and misbehaved really badly, causing Mr Ex-Schoolmate to totally lost his appetite.

I apologized profusely. He just said he wasn’t angry with me, but was upset with the way I handled Oki (I was not strict enough and allowed such display of ill-behavior). He then commented that Oki was acting worst than the strays. That sentence hurts me deeply, but I kept quiet, as I was already feeling the burn of tears in my eyes.

When we got home, there was just this thick cloud of uneasiness. I tried to explain. I admitted that I had been very lax with disciplining Oki, because I am just so guilt-ridden for not spending enough quality time with him. It’s really is not his fault that his 2 owners who love him, split up and he was to be shuffled and shared between my ex-bf and me. The guilt was so intense that I try not to scold or beat him at all, even though he is getting more out of hand recently. I know in my heart, this is totally wrong, but I just can’t bring myself to discipline Oki like before, coz somehow I felt I owe him.

I was hoping Mr Ex-Schoolmate would understand… but he merely said he don’t know what to do and he can’t help me to discipline Oki, perhaps I should spend more time with Oki, then he opened my door and left.

After his departure, I spent the next 30 mins crying uncontrollably. I was really so torn apart, I would love to spend my time loving the both of them together, but I reckon it is never so easy.

At the beginning of my crying spree, I was pissed off with Oki for his behavior, then I was frustrated with Mr Ex-Schoolmate for leaving me… at the end of it, I was actually angry with myself for all, that has to happen….

I sucked at being a owner to Oki and I sucked at being a gf for Mr Ex-Schoolmate… just what the fuck am I really good at???

At the end of the day, my bf left and went back to his place, and Oki kept his distance away from me… and I am here typing the blog with tears running down my cheeks…….. feeling totally isolated.

Why is it so hard to space out my time and love for them?

I just hope to get a little understanding…. is that too much to ask for?