Archive for May, 2006

31
May
06

SINCE U BEEN GONE

SINCE U BEEN GONE

Really love this song!

Everyone who is getting over a meaningless piece of relationship, should go listen to this song and seriously waking up your fucking idea and get moving on…. You are not in love… you are in love with the idea of being in love!

Watch the MV on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmZCWrugSSo&search=kelly%20clarkson

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I have been thinking… what the fuck is LOVE all about…

30
May
06

For Paul

Every weekends, when you drop Oki off or picks him up, you must be wondering why I became easily irritated and pissed off. You must be thinking that, am I that same person who used to love you despite all the problems in our lives.

Every time I wanted to tell you this, but I hold back because I am sick of not able to get any responses from you. All that you do is to keep quiet and send me sms to ask me what I want, after that.

This is what I want. I want to say all these to you:

I had enough of the future you once promised. Deep down I know there isn’t one from the start. When I needed assurance and reliance, you were never there for me. I spent every waking moment waiting for you to come home, only to see you behaving suspiciously when the phone rings or how you kept your phone in your pockets even when you go to sleep.

The chances I had given to you became a chance for you to disappoint me. I just felt I was drifting further and further away from destination “Happiness”, which I thought would be a place we would reach.

So many times, you had asked me to give you time to change, but the change I saw, was how you had turned from insensitive to totally indifferent.

I had cried buckets, and nothing my tears could do to save me from dying inside. I began to realize, you are a poison, a poison to me. And I was getting intoxicated from the years of shattered promises. I became worried that I might find myself dead one day, if I continue living a life that revolved around your lies.

Finally I could see that the love has totally vaporized. Isn’t it too late for you to see that you are sorry?

Well I am sorry too. I am sorry for not able to feel sorry, for the way that you are feeling right now… Perhaps we should really be sorry… to your mom and to Oki.

29
May
06

Do You Have A Choice?

How many times you have hear people around you or, ever yourself saying this, “But I don’t have a fucking choice.”?

I am guilty of saying that too. Many years back, the fear of choosing, led me to want to go on sleeping forever. I refuse to face the choice of taking on the road that is laced up with a million pieces of broken glass.

We are humans, and we have the right to have choices. Many times, we choose to remain where we are, complaining of the sufferings yet refusing to choose a way out. We would rather remain cut-up, in the room made up of thorns because we knew the exit ahead is always a road of hardship. The fear of choosing is a more difficult way out and we do not know where it will lead us to, all that made us succumbed to hiding in the original place of pain.

I would be lying if I told you that I choose the exit and now I am happily strolling down this road filled with pretty flowers. But at least, I know I have a choice and I took a chance at it.

This road might just lead me into another room of thorns, but at least I saw a different scenery along the way and you are still cope up in that same fucking place, looking out of that same fucking window, suffering the same fucking pain…. And complaining that you never have a fucking choice…

Maybe you have already made that fucking choice of denying yourselves of a chance to choose.

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Hope that my smile would brighten your day! Yes, I know the smile look really plastic, but at least I made the fucking effort to smile! So appreciate me!

28
May
06

Amnesia

Amnesia, is that what it is?

Was it the side effect of taking sleeping pills for many years? Or am I blocking most part of my memories subconsciously? I don’t seem to remember very much of my life, it has been filled with too many voids.

Having spent 8years with K, all I can ever remember now, is how we ended. The memories of those 8years, seems to have shrunk down to those couple of months when we were filing for separations. Actually, I am glad for not remember much about him.

Slightly over 3 month, since I closed my chapter with P, I am beginning to lose fragments of the memories that we shared for the past 5 and half years of living together. Trying a total recall, all I can visualize is that picture of me in his house living without him at a huge part of the time. Did we once share any happy moments together? It should be yes, P had to be the one that rescued me from hell back then. Little did we know that he was the one who drop me into another hell hole… I don’t know… I don’t seem to be able to remember the smiles or the laughter that we had, all I did see were nothing more than tears and lies.

People around me were puzzled and they wondered if I had been really in love with K or P back then. The answer is I did, I always knew I did…

When the relationships ended, I just don’t seem to be able to remember anything worth holding on to… Or maybe there wasn’t anything worth holding on to for a start. When all that is in your mind, are pain and more pain, it is not hard to fear looking back at the lives that you finally have the courage to walk out of…

22
May
06

I am SICK!!

I cut my finger accidentally while preparing meal, last Thursday evening, following that, a series of unluckiness unfolded. I waited for more than an hour and a half, for a cab on Friday night just to get the fuck home, after a supposedly appointment didn’t quite came through. Subsequently I fell quite ill suddenly after waking up from a night of tossing and turning on Saturday morning. Fearing that I might lose my voice because of the excruciating pain in my throat, I had to visit the clinic.

After taking the medicine, I fell asleep uncontrollably; I supposed fatigue finally caught me. Last week had been horrendous for me. I just felt I am sinking with the weight of my problems, and there was no one I wanted to share with. I guess I have to stop hoping for a life-saver, seriously how far would a friend go for me?

Waking up to find Oki at my door brought a genuine smile to my face. Although I must have look horrible and off color, he still look forward to seeing me and gave me lots and lots of cuddles and smooches. I was so unwell, I was dozing into sleep frequently, neglecting Oki most of the time, but each moment I got up, he will come wagging his tail and plant warm licking kisses allover my face. I was practically groggy the entire time, but really felt so much better with the medicine. I have not realized that time flew by so quickly, before I knew it the sun set on Sunday evening, and soon Oki has to leave again.

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Lying down watching TV, I reached over and wanted to pat Oki, only to remember he had actually gone back. A surge of lost and depression over-whelmed me at the point of time. I had lost my only comfort, once again I felt so sick. Looking at the pictures, we took a while ago on my mobile phone, I cried. I must have not gotten over the fact that I won’t be able to have him 24/7. I missed not having his hair in my face, I missed not able to tell him good night, I missed not having to punish him for not peeing at the right place, and I missed telling him to eat his food instead of drooling over mine… I miss him for being there when I reach home…. This truly made me hate coming home nowadays.

People always tell me how strong they have seen me become, but remember, I am only but human, I needed someone too. However I don’t need love from any man, for this love is complex and it comes with a price I am not willing to pay, the price of grief, disappointment and devastation. If this love can’t give me happiness, then this love is not what I am looking for.

I ought to go to bed. I am already sad and lonely; the last thing I want is to be sad, lonely and fucking sick!

19
May
06

Who is more scary?

I may look really tough and sound really brave… but deep down inside, I am terrified of darkness and ghost… actually anything spooky.

When I moved back into my haunted flat, friends and colleagues just won’t believe it. I was a gut-less, helpless little kitten, but now I am actually staying in a place that I know is not "clean".

This breaking-up had forced me to grow so much stronger. I have to face fear straight on. I have a choice, move back or sleep on the road, or stay and let desvastation kill me. The haunting was mild in the beginning, then it became more disturbing. I grew from a person who will sob, wipe my tears on the pillows and hope that someone will come and save me…. to right now I am constantly shouting, "What the FUCK! This is my fucking place! And I moving the fuck out soon… so fucking leave my alone for this 2 months!"

Despondence has drove me into a rage. Who will be there for me when I fear? Who will seriously want to protect me without having something else on the mind? Who are the genuine people who truly cares? I only have Me.. Myself.. And I..

So you are brave now huh?? U might ask…

NO… I am still fucking scared when I heard laughters beside my ear during bedtime. However, it is scary to hurt by the person/s who claim that he/they care for me…. than that of the fucking ghosts at my home.

"man is more capable of destroying me than spirits…"

16
May
06

What Do U Really Wanted?

I had just bought my first private studio apartment. I am holding a black, gold, platinum and a titanium card. I am employed in a MNC, working for a leading brand in the industry. Having all these, at my age of 30. However, I am still feeling that I have nothing at all…

I always like to ask people around me. Is there something that you really wanted since you were young? I get various answers. Some, wanted to be beautiful, or being rich, or having a collection of branded bags, or being owners of their dream cars… It’s so achievable, you just need to work very hard, and you can attain all that, I always told them. So when the question was thrown back at me… I said, “All I ever wanted is to have acceptance and love from a family that I didn’t have, while growing up… Most of them just became dumb folded. A family? That’s all you wanted?? They look disbelief.

And however hard I work, this is one thing, money can’t buy, nor Mastercard… not with Visa or Diners or whatever…

The only thing that got just as close, was to have Oki. I heard you say,” He is merely a dog.” And I say… So is there anything fucking wrong??? Oki had given me what I need… love and 100% acceptance. Yes, I am hearing you say… PATHETIC! Yes, and now I am so much more pathetic, with “a capital P”. I get to see Oki only over the weekends. I have to work, I love him. To have him staying with him and being alone most of the time in the day, is not love… that is selfishness. This might not be the best for me, but it is certainly the best for him nevertheless.

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We basically laze the entire Sat evening and whole of Sun away. Our favorite activity is trying to outlast each other, to see who can stay in the bed for the longest. Here is a pic of us in competition. And it is a rare pic of me totally without makeup, and not showered for the entire day. It’s ok, Oki accept me for just who the hell I am.

It was a close fight last week; I am all trained up for this Sat. Can’t wait to hug him again… I miss my Okiki…