Archive for January, 2007

31
Jan
07

Would you still love me?

Dsc00363Would you still love me when I stop pretending that everything is alright?

Would you still love me if you remember that I am different?

Would you still love me when I sink back into the abyss of my depression?

Would you still love me for who I really am?

Do you love me, for I am IMPERFECT BY NATURE?

For if you don’t, I still will be fine…..

30
Jan
07

Fuck with me now so that I can buy that LV!

A few days back, I received a mail from a lady, trying to recruit me as a social escort, with the lure of some very lucrative deals. Wow… this is an interesting material for blogging. Fuck! 我看我是中了blogging毒了. All I think about is what to blog??

To be honest, I was flattered, because she was recruiting girls from 17-30 and obviously I am already OVER-AGED, but she wasn’t bothered!! Here’s our conversation over MSN. Download MSN.doc 

Dsc00376Lingling(Click on pic to enlarge). If the pic of her is real, she is hot! And probably very rich too; she could have earned tons by making use of the bodies of desperate nymphs who will jump on the bandwagon without a second thought. She throw out temptations like fish hooks, luring them to exchange their moralities and dignities for a wardrobe filled with Gucci and LV.

I hope everybody under her wings will be able to seek some forms of relief from their stash of branded goods when they are plagued by recurring images of erotically obscene, lewd, pornographic men, forcing them to perform disgusting sexual acts and still pretending to enjoy those carnal desires.

If I were 18-20, and I read a blog like this, I might just say," This is my fucking life, I don’t care how people would see me, as long as I have the money, I am going to enjoy my life and be happy! It’s just SEX with some men. Watch me forget the humiliations when I parade in my designer’s clothes and shoes."

Yes, I might be tempted by it back then. But I guess, growing old did have its effects and benefits on me. I had learned to see things from different perspectives, in a hard way. No doubt having loads of cash stacked away neatly in your safe, feels shiok, but does it really do you much good down the road of your lives? When it’s a moral and mental stain, it would always remain as a stain, even your "Dynamo or Vanish" can’t get them out (ok, that’s pretty lame.. haha…). When you hide skeletons in your closet, you will live your life with the fear that one day someone you love might walk in on it or it might just fall out of your closet when you are least aware of it, smashing, together with your life, into pieces.

I had made some tough choices as I build my ability to buy my own private apartment and to possess those ‘status-enhancing’ cards in my purse (not connected to any forms of indecent proposal one lah). But I didn’t see how any of this material wealth could have granted me my happiness. I would be over the moon for a while, when I buy a new branded bag or something. However after a couple of weeks, the ecstatic feelings faded, it would just become another item I dumped in the cupboard.(Erm.. btw I do need that some "perk-me-up" on and off, ok!)

Seeing the silly face of my dog, Oki for 6 years in a roll, it has never failed to put a smile on my face. Or spending an evening in front of the TV with my mom, I can feel the bliss, to be able to build that mother-daughter bond which we never had when I was growing up. Even seeing Mr Ex-Schoolmate enjoying himself while we shop for groceries, is sweet. All these are what, those type of money could not have fulfilled at all.

I am not some self-righteous prude, nor am I criticizing Ling and/or anybody who choose to cash in on their chastity, all I am hoping, is for this entry to help you to see what you truly want in your lives by looking further than the hurdles you see right in front of you.

Anyway, the life is yours and it is true that you are only young once. If you are still interested to put your future up for those big bucks, I would Dsc00358show you the way to Ling. But whether she wants you or not is another matter.

What? You think everybody is as beautiful and sensible as me meh??!! LOL!!

29
Jan
07

Hurt me so bad…

Have you ever experience this?

You treasured it; you prized it as your favorite. Then one day, you are hurt by the thing you loved most. It just cut right through you.

But you just can’t bear to leave it; then there will always be this hovering uneasiness and paranoia each time you are near it. The love and the phobia for it becomes your turmoil, a struggle within…

Do you know what I am talking about?

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Mr Ex-Schoolmate?… NO LAH!! Who told you, he is my fav??

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It’s my CLEAVER! It went thru thick and thin with me, hacking from vegetable to chicken… and yesterday it went slashing into my finger!Dsc00369 GODAMNIT!!

For a moment, I was in shock! Thought I lost the tip of my middle finger.

FUCKING SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME!!

Dsc00370

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The bottom-line is: NEVER multi-task, chopping and day-dreaming don’t go well together! Unless, you are thinking of cashing in on your insurance company, then hack harder please.

28
Jan
07

Mom And I

Nauseous   Dizzy   Headache   Threw Up   Shivers

I think I caught a chill…

Yesterday, my mom heard me sounding like a dead cat over the phone and insisted to come over to have dinner with me. How dreadful sweet!

Beside the good soup she brought, she also made me laughed, with her "pet husband" joke. (She remarried a long time back; hence her current hubby is not my biological dad.) She lamented that sometimes she feel disgustingly furious with her hubby and that had made her health suffered in the past. Now she no longer gets upset or become pissed that easily. Her secret?… she imagines her hubby as, just one of her another pet dog. (She has 3 real dogs at home.)

Keep for the sake of companionship can already. Don’t need to ask for more. "狗就是那样,有时做愚笨的事. 心伤和生气也没有用. 我不理他就好了." mom said, casually.

I wondered if she had said all these because she has some sort of telepathy power to sense my negative feelings or… she actually reads my blog and knew that Mr Ex-Schoolmate and I had a fight the night before? Hmm… not quite possible on the latter, she is a computer idiot and she cannot understand English.

Anyway, I decided to test her, I showed her my blog for the first time. Upon seeing my pictures, she went, "这个女孩很俏丽,您肯定这是您?"

Dsc00056_1+_+”  wah lau eh, SHOCK!… I don’t know what to say… but after hearing her words, I can be sure she had never seen my blog before.

Despite the fact that she had doubted that her very own daughter, can look so glam or beautiful, I still thank her for the wonderful dinner she cooked for me and the good company she had provided.

Thanks, my mommy dearest!

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Got up this morning… my head still spins….

*palm on forehead

Kaoz! Feverish some more. Pop two paracetamols and heading back to bed…

27
Jan
07

I hate to hate everything about me

This has been the second time he walked out of my apartment, leaving me, to go back to his place in the dead of the night. Doesn’t he know that I need him to be around to support me right now? Why does he has to be so cruel to me?

He said," Do whatever you want, I am tired!" and he shut the door with a bang and left me sobbing the dark, all alone by myself.

What did I do to piss him off this time?

I merely wanted to express how hurtful it was, to feel/think that everything that I have done were just not good enough. I don’t give a damn even if the whole world thinks I am great, but not him. He is all that I cared about, I only wanted him to be proud of me, to appreciated me, to be happy to have me. Are all there too much to ask for?

Perhaps it was my mistake; for I can’t stop myself from crying, even though I knew he had already been feeling stressed and drained. I did try to cease my tears, but I didn’t make it eventually.

After his departure, I really didn’t know what to do. I took a walk outside. Then the rain came pouring down; I was soaked to the bones. I didn’t come home until I was trembling in the unbearable cold, wet night.

I searched through my drawers and found my anti-depressants. I took them out, and stared at them with so much fear. I am terrified of them, for I had tasted their adverse effects. I know very well what they could do for me; they can make me sleep right now, but I will need to pay the huge price tomorrow. Just for knocking myself out tonight, is this worth it? I do not know, I don’t have the capability to analyze right now.

These few months, I have had the time of my life, I almost believe that I am really normal; that I wasn’t sick in the mind to begin with. I didn’t see my shrink for months. But now…. I guess I could be wrong, for my fear for abandonment is just so real. I could feel it stabbing me like a knife right now.

I had decided to pop the pills after writing this entry, because it simply kill me to stay awake at this moment. The pain of my heartache is tearing me apart.

I hate it when he has to punish me like this. I hate feeling this way. I hate to be aware that he is gone. I hate my anti-depressants. I hate my vulnerability. I hate whatever that I am doing to myself. I hate to hate myself.

Sometimes, I even wonder, do I hate living my life this way….

25
Jan
07

The Narcissist or The Real Beauty?

Dsc00301_1

Dsc00300Dsc00297_3Over these years, I have probably done over a few thousands of self-taken pictures. All with just one motive –

"To Celebrate the fact that I AM DAMN BEAUTIFUL!!"

Before you get started to dismiss me as some super delusive, narcissistic bitch, hear me out first.

In a Dove (shower foam) research and it shows that only 2% of the women think that they are beautiful. This goes to tell us so much about the self-esteem of girls. Whether she is a supermodel or a wife of a superstar or even a celeb herself, she thinks she is just inadequate.

Boy, I am glad I am that 2%. I remembered Mr Ex-Schoolmate once asked me, "Do you seriously think that you are that beautiful?" (Ya, he always thinks that I am Sadako and believed that all the men who check out on me are either moronic or semi-blind). I answered ever so confidently, "Hmm… of coz I do." And his eyes rolled up and he shook his head and than commented that I really need to lose weight. :(( NB! What can I say??!!

Ok, to be honest, I never think I am fucking gorgeous, but I have to psyche myself up every time. Because if you believe you look like crap, then crap you will become. And it is just equally true the other way around. So start thinking positively and be that 2% of women in the world and you might just save the money for that plastic surgery that you are planned for.Dsc00341Dsc00346_1 Take a moment to believe you are "way too good" and normal, you will become.

This was how fugly I look before I tell it to myself that I am a fucking beauty queen!! (The one in school uniform and the one with my brother were when I was 16, other 2 were taken between 19-20.)

Dsc00345Dsc00348Let me tell you, before you start chanting "I AM SO PRETTY", you must arm yourself with a reality checker. Get someone who can slay your ego within seconds. This person is important; he/she would prevent you from floating to the moon whenever you get too close to being a delusional, self-cheating freak.

I definitely have mine. No prize for guessing. He is, but of course, Mr Ex-Schoolmate, my No.1 anti-fan.  =_= "

Dsc00295_1 Actually my guy thinks that I am fat; hence I will try to go on a diet, but if all else failed….. Hey, what the heck, I am still a fat chio bu, a fat sui cha bo and a fat babe. I know, you don’t have to be jealous of me, alright.

*remember to play that youtube video on your right…. grinning with a smirk.

24
Jan
07

Tears for …

I don’t really know how to begin… my head is like a whirlpool.

I was all curled up in my bed, bawling my eyes out after he left for work this morning. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong… or was there? I don’t know. I think I am rather confused.

I was anticipating a good dinner, last evening. I called him and realised it had to be a late dinner for us, as he was still in the office. Nevertheless I continued with the preparation very gayly. Shortly after, he called back and broke me the bad news. He had to entertain his client and hence he would be back late. I looked at the half-prepared food; and with a heavy heart I said," I understand" and I hung up. The pot of soup smelled great, but I had lost all my appetite. Strangely, I wasn’t capable of feeling any tinge of madness, it was all just only upset.

It was past 3am, I was drifting in and out of my very disturbed sleep, and suddenly, I heard the door. He was finally back. I thought to myself, "Say nothing about it. He must be tired, let him sleep." And I did just that.

Wasn’t I supposed to feel annoyed, or at least a little unhappy with him, for the last minute disappointment and the late home-coming? Instead, I felt rather exploited. I hated it, but somehow I could really taste the feeling of my wrenching heartache. Shouldn’t I be at least a bit pissed than pitied? Then I remembered, all these days that we had spent with each other, I had NEVER came across as being resentful with him. It was always the other way around.

"Despite all the changes which I had made, I will only remain flawed in his eyes". I don’t know where that sentence came from; it just crept into my head and repeated itself like a broke down recorder. I sat on my couch, staring out at my windows for the next hour, just I trying to shake it away with my tears. Why am I feeling crossed with myself for not feeling crossed with him? What kind of fucked up emotions are these?

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If only, I could talk to him and let him know how I really feel… but that wouldn’t happen.

For now, I just don’t want any dinner tonight, I only wanna be in bed with my Oki. I will be alright tomorrow, or would I?