Archive for July, 2007

26
Jul
07

Men & their Women

82569462_2e6d78f4ce_mI read this somewhere that us, women, thinks too much & them, guys, never use their brain much. I decided to localize it and post in here.

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(Disclaimer: The story is entirely fictional and it is definitely not based on me ok!! Although there is some similarity somewhere, but all women who read this will agree that all their men behave like this some time or another. Correct boh??!!)

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HER SIDE OF STORY:

He said he was going to watch a soccer match with his buddies over dinner, hence I suggested that I go shopping with my girlfriends and meet him at a pub for a drink before we head home. I guess he must have forgotten it was our 1st Kiss Anniversary today.

When he arrived at the pub, he was unusually quiet and I felt as if he was avoiding eye contact with me. I told him it was our 1st Kiss Anniversary today and he said, “Oh ya, I forgot.” We left shortly, because he said he was tired.

On the journey home, there was this really awfully silence. I held his hands and told him, “I love you.” He replied, sounded almost mechanically, “Me too.”

I really didn’t know what the hell was going on, why he had to treat me so coldly. When we reached home, I tried to ask him, but he just said nothing and told me he just wanted to sleep.

On the bed, I kissed him and initiate to make love with him. He complied. After 10 mins, he came and without a word he rolled over and fell asleep.

I had so many questions in my head. Did he not love me anymore? Is he seeing someone else? What is wrong with our relationship? I just cried myself to sleep….

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HIS SIDE OF STORY:

Sibei tired at work today. Nabei Liverpool lost again. Luckily sex was quick & good.

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Men. Aren’t they just like swines!!

& Women. Why do we just have to love pigs??

25
Jul
07

Sick (II)

Yesterday was utterly unbearable for me. I stayed in bed all the time, only got up occasionally to pee, eat and take medicines. The whole time I was woozy and I just slept thru the day and night.

Mr Hubby got to know my plight and came home early despite having original plan to work late. After eating half a bowl of fish soup he bought, I tried hard to stay awake in front of the telly, only to give in after 30mins and headed straight for the bed.

He came and asked me what I need, I just murmurred about wanting a thermometer, because doc had asked me to monitor my temperature and if fever persisted, I would have to be admitted in the hospital.

He disappearred and came home with a thermometer. It was quite late already, I wonder how he managed to find one. I was rather touched.

Throughout the night, I was tormented with the sudden feelings of extreme heat and coldness and my fever persisted, it only went away this morning.

He didn’t talk much to me, I guess he is still upset over the quarrel we had last Sunday evening, however he took care of me when I was sick and that I knew, I didn’t marry the wrong man.

I really hope we can communicate better in the future and he can take time to understand my decision. I wish I can talk to him again, expressing my thought on engaging a day-time confinement nanny and stay at OUR OWN HOME after my delivery.

It might look like a simple thing to say, but it’s totally different when the person I have to convince is my own husband. Is that very ironic?! Especially, if you know what an eloquent person, I am. I just lose the ability to articulate my thoughts when I am faced with him. Words, not matter how gentle, that spun out from my mouth just have a way of provoking him when there is a diversion of opinion in us.

He is such a wonderful man, if only he give me a chance to tell him that I needed his compromises and understanding.

Everyone tells me that I should stay happy when I am pregnant. Believe me, I am trying very hard already. It’s not easy when you can’t get the person closest to you on your side.

But I will continue to keep up to the brighter side of life, for the sake of the baby in me.

**Baby, if you are reading this when you grow up, be sure to love me, your mummy lots more ok!

23
Jul
07

Sick

I am physically sick, emotionally wounded… probably distorted with hurt.Dsc01286

I was feeling under the weather over the weekend and finally my little cough and cold brewed into a full-blown respiratory infection.

My nose is congested, I can hardly breathe. My throat is sore from coughing really hard. My chest feels tight. My head is heavy and pounding away like nobody’s business. I am running a temperature and asthmatic attack kept me awake last night. Looking at the amount of pills I have to swallow, makes me more sick.

On the other hand, my eyes are puffy from crying. My heart aches as if it is being ripped apart. My mind wonders to the extreme. My moral has reach its lowest.

I am feeling so hopeless helpless…

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Last night, we had some serious issue when I rejected his grandma’s offer to stay with her, in her home for my confinement. I had planned to come back to my own home after my baby is born. Because I knew what I needed most after delivery is to be HOME, a place where I can relate to, a sense of belonging & security. Putting me up somewhere else is going to be pretty traumatic for me, I am afraid that it will add on to contribute stress on me mentally. You don’t know how much fear I have on post-natal blues and what it would do to me.

I had been battling depression for more than decade, I am so terrified of losing it. It is most frightening when you can’t control your own sanity and do things to hurt yourself and even people around you. I don’t want to go back there again.

It makes me very disappointed when he is least concern about my needs. I used to think that he might understand me and is aware of my psychological health and after last night, I think I was wrong about it. He must have thought depression is a feeling, something that I can control, he didn’t recognize that it is an illness. I guess he must have forgotten or didn’t realize that I suffered from BPD and I fought hard to gain control of it without medication.

I know where he is coming from, he wanted me to be well taken care of during my confinement, but the least he can do is the respect my decision and trust that I know what I need for own body. Perhaps he didn’t know me, but I hope at least he tries to listen to me and not forces his decision upon me.

If you ask me to try talking to him… believe me, I always do. My soft pleads and reasonings are nonsense in his eyes. My cry sent him flying into a rage. He stood up, threw the cushion on the floor and stormed off from the living room. I was left flooded with my sorrows and tears, while he shut the bedroom door, ignoring me.

I felt really devastated. Picture me, misunderstood, denied of companionship, feeling really ill, sobbing uncontrollably, pregnant and all alone sitting on the sofa staring at the cushion lying on the floor. It’s been a while since I felt so miserable.

Miseries just wouldn’t spare me. Later that night, my asthma acted up and it took me a while to stabilize my breathing with my inhaler and he was totally unmoved. For a moment, I was wondering if it is worth falling in love ever.

In the morning, he wanted to send me to the clinic, I declined his offer, for I am not ready to face him, or the side of him that makes me shudder with fear, fear of getting hurt again.

I swear I am NOT the unreasonable type of pregnant wife who wanted everything my way. I don’t make extraordinary demands, all I ever wanted is to come back to my own home after I give birth. Sounds reasonable?

Can he hear me? Can you tell him? Would he listen?

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Then again…

I ask myself what is a big deal? I heard the other half of myself answering,"You know nothing will get you down, if only you aren’t you."

And I cried, for I wanted to love him, and not letting my radical side takes over and turns me yet into a person without emotions.

If only…. if only he listens to my cry and realized that I am so torn apart….

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I can recover physically…

Could I choose not to bear the scars of turmoil?

18
Jul
07

I’m tired and “tu” :(

Sorry for the lack of entry recently. Don’t abandon me ok. 🙂

I am just so… so… so… exhausted these days. People say 2nd trimester is the best, you feel more energetic and want more sex. But I tell you, they are all bull craps lor!! I am just super drained all the time and I sleep more than often, yet when I am awake, I still feel fucking tired.

*yawn….

And the second reason why I didn’t blog as often is simply because I ran out of my pretty pictures to post. Cam-whoring is a time of the past already. I can’t bear to see my own pix nowadays! I am missing more than just a waist-line, I have trouble finding my jaw-line as well. Darn!! So fucked-up!

Gone are my long, sexy, curls…. I cut my hair (and I so fucking regret it) and had them straighten, because pregnancy had made my mane simply unmanageable! I look like a cross between lioness and siao cha boh!!

Now I look completely "tu" with the stupid straight hair. Sibei low moral lor….. Haiz….. (And you are not getting a picture of me here looking "tu" lor.)313184952_eaa066fc5e

Before my tummy grew so big, I always imagine that I would be a ravishingly sexy mom.(Perhaps like this model on the right.) Now that reality sets in, and tummy is getting bigger everyday to the extent that I can’t see my own private without the mirror, I know it so fucking hard just to look… erm… pretty normal average.

Mr Hubby seems to be forgetting that I was once very chio. 😦

Can someone remind him please?!

13
Jul
07

07.07.07 (part 2)

Dsc01281Thank you all for your gifts and generous ang paos.

We are using them to start our T&C Baby’s Fund.

:)))

PS: Audition for God-mummy or God-daddy will be opening soon. Look out for further information. Hehehe….

08
Jul
07

07.07.07

On this day, we are pronounced as man & wife!

Now, I am known as Mrs Cindy Ng… erm… sound weird leh… guess I have to take some time to get use to calling myself this.

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Dsc00032The pavillion where we took our wedding vows.

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Dsc00053With my bestie & her hubby.

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These are my darling sistas!!

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Left to right: Weizhang, machiam my half-bro, mom, hubby, moi, bro and his gf.

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All my working "partners in crime"!! hehe…

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Dsc00095With Sharon & Sylvia, all 4 of us are from the same sec school.

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Having a ball’oon of time, taking pics with our dearest friends!!

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At the closing ceremony of our ROM, we released hundreds of balloons into the sky. It was really FUN!! But hubby (I can’t believe I call him hubby, instead of Mr Ex-Schoolmate. LOL!)said it was like seeing $200 flew into the sky and disappear right in front of us. Hahaha…

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Dsc00096After a long day…. it’s just gonna be Mr Hubby and me, his sumo wrestler-like wifey!!

03
Jul
07

So who are you marrying??

It’s like 3 more days before my wedding solemnization…

Last weekend, I had to answer a phone call from my relative and made my blood boiled. Out of family obligation, I had to invite my aunts over for my solemnization. She called and asked in a hyper sarcastic tone, "You are getting married this Sat ar? So which man are you marrying huh?"

WTF!!! It wasn’t like, I am a flirt and I had numerous relationships in my life, kinda shit!! In my 31 years, I had only 3 serious ones!! NBCB!! Only 3 men in MY LIFE ok!! And 2 had already been GONE, so long ago!! Just what the fuck does she mean which men I am marrying!! Must all spinsters behave like that??!! Such sour grapes!!

I admit, I used to have A LOT OF MEN swarming around me whenever I am single. But those were just like houseflies, you ‘shoo’ them with all your might, and they still hover around you unwanted-ly, until you zapped them with an electronic bug-killer, they just wouldn’t flee. Sorry, but that was how it had to be.

Dsc01296_1 Whatever lah… those were the days… when I look this good, like a goddess.                                             

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Nowadays, I seriously have no mood, looking into the mirror, let alone cam-whore.

I don’t wanna be pregnant ever again!! It suckz to be fat & ugly!!

And to add on to my miseries, he said my weight now can qualify to be a wrestler!!

~_~  SO ANGRY!!!!!!!