I have not been able to sleep for several nights… and I don’t see that this ordeal will be ending any time soon.
Recently my mind has became an overworked chamber, filled with a whirlpool of vexing thoughts, frustrations, self-doubts, negativities, dreadful decisions, and the list goes on.
When I shut my eyes, images popped up, like a broken down slide show. They take on the forms of: Dog. Maid. Baby. Husband. Work. Money. And calendar; which hints that the end of my maternity leave is near.
(I will blog about them one by one, but not in any respective order.)
This entry is gonna be on : The Dog
Since I started having Oki (right one in the picture) 7 years back, I had not for once, thought of giving him up, despite the fact that he is not the most obedient or fantastic dog. He barks his head off when we are not at home. He pees on EVERYONE’s beds. He scratches the door and makes such a din that it keeps you up ALL NIGHT.
I thought I love him a hell lot… but I am only human, a fucking human!
With the pressure of having too much (new baby, new house, new maid, more commitments), I must have lost it. I find myself unable to cope with Oki’s endless demand of attentions. I can’t tolerate his "pranks" like I used to. I ran out of patience to correct him.
Soon I found myself resenting him. I hated it when he keeps me up all night with his nonsense. I hated it when he barked so much until my neighbors made complaints on us. I hated it when I see the damages he inflicted on our doors.
I found myself hating the one thing that used to bring me joy!!!!!!!
I hated me, for hating him.
And for all that hatreds, I developed a radical decision, I want to give him away! It was one of the hardest decision that I had made in my life. I dug out all the justifications for the conclusion to this awful decision.
-I reminded myself that he was better off with someone… or anyone.
-I reminded myself that he might cause allergies to our baby.
-I reminded myself that he would be tearing the house down when I goes back to work.
-I reminded myself of the nightly terrors he creates.
-I reminded myself of all the inconvenience that he had brought about.
-I reminded myself of all those restrictions I had because of him.
With all the above "substantial evidences" I had on him, I could have went ahead, but somehow I procrastinated. There was such a huge turmoil inside me. Finally I broke down and cried my heart out. I can no longer contain the evilness in my mind. I can’t believe I am actually capable of hurting Oki. I had became someone else, someone whom I would have detested, if it was in the past.
In the end, it was Mr Hubby who helped me to find myself. He helped me to decided that we are going to try to overcome the obstacles and keep Oki by our sides. In him, I regained the strength to face our problematic dog together instead of throwing it out of the door. (Dear, if you are reading this. Thank you. You are the best thing in my life!)
Meanwhile, Oki still barks when we are out, still find every chance to pee on our beds, still marks the doors with scratches, still terrorizes us every night like clockwork and Laetitia (our baby) still have those occasional rashes. And I am still bitting my teeth & praying that one day all these would stop.
Someone said, "The world is a huge classroom, every difficulties in our lives are our tests."
P/S: And I am supposed to learn something out of them every time?!?! DAMN!!
P/S/S: Like it or not, there will be a series of other test awaiting me… or even you… or us. Arrgghhh…. I know, it sure feels like FUCK!!!