Archive for February, 2008

29
Feb
08

The Dog

I have not been able to sleep for several nights… and I don’t see that this ordeal will be ending any time soon.

Recently my mind has became an overworked chamber, filled with a whirlpool of vexing thoughts, frustrations, self-doubts, negativities, dreadful decisions, and the list goes on.

When I shut my eyes, images popped up, like a broken down slide show. They take on the forms of: Dog. Maid. Baby. Husband. Work. Money. And calendar; which hints that the end of my maternity leave is near.

(I will blog about them one by one, but not in any respective order.)

This entry is gonna be on : The Dog

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Since I started having Oki (right one in the picture) 7 years back, I had not for once, thought of giving him up, despite the fact that he is not the most obedient or fantastic dog. He barks his head off when we are not at home. He pees on EVERYONE’s beds. He scratches the door and makes such a din that it keeps you up ALL NIGHT.

I thought I love him a hell lot… but I am only human, a fucking human!

With the pressure of having too much (new baby, new house, new maid, more commitments), I must have lost it. I find myself unable to cope with Oki’s endless demand of attentions. I can’t tolerate his "pranks" like I used to. I ran out of patience to correct him.

Soon I found myself resenting him. I hated it when he keeps me up all night with his nonsense. I hated it when he barked so much until my neighbors made complaints on us. I hated it when I see the damages he inflicted on our doors.

I found myself hating the one thing that used to bring me joy!!!!!!!

I hated me, for hating him.

And for all that hatreds, I developed a radical decision, I want to give him away! It was one of the hardest decision that I had made in my life. I dug out all the justifications for the conclusion to this awful decision.

-I reminded myself that he was better off with someone… or anyone.

-I reminded myself that he might cause allergies to our baby.

-I reminded myself that he would be tearing the house down when I goes back to work.

-I reminded myself of the nightly terrors he creates.

-I reminded myself of all the inconvenience that he had brought about.

-I reminded myself of all those restrictions I had because of him.

With all the above "substantial evidences" I had on him, I could have went ahead, but somehow I procrastinated. There was such a huge turmoil inside me. Finally I broke down and cried my heart out. I can no longer contain the evilness in my mind. I can’t believe I am actually capable of hurting Oki. I had became someone else, someone whom I would have detested, if it was in the past.

In the end, it was Mr Hubby who helped me to find myself. He helped me to decided that we are going to try to overcome the obstacles and keep Oki by our sides. In him, I regained the strength to face our problematic dog together instead of throwing it out of the door. (Dear, if you are reading this. Thank you. You are the best thing in my life!)

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Meanwhile, Oki still barks when we are out, still find every chance to pee on our beds, still marks the doors with scratches, still terrorizes us every night like clockwork and Laetitia (our baby) still have those occasional rashes. And I am still bitting my teeth & praying that one day all these would stop.

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Someone said, "The world is a huge classroom, every difficulties in our lives are our tests."

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P/S: And I am supposed to learn something out of them every time?!?! DAMN!!

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P/S/S: Like it or not, there will be a series of other test awaiting me… or even you… or us. Arrgghhh…. I know, it sure feels like FUCK!!!

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22
Feb
08

Happy Birthday To Me

It’s 23rd February again, and it makes me 32 this year!!!!!

Oh Fuck! I am OLD!!

Backtrack to 22nd February ———->>>>

Having lived 2/5 of my life (that is assuming I will die at the age of 80), I looked back at the treacherous path I had been through, I am amazed that I got to where I am. OK, I survived killing myself, I lived through sever depression/mental disorder, I had got over 2 horrible patch of relationships that left me badly bruised. I kicked my addictions to smoking, drinking & popping sleeping pills/anti-anxiety drugs.

I was thinking surely life could only get better.

11.15pm. My baby was asleep. Mr Hubby was watching TV in the study. I sat alone on the swing in the balcony, without the lights. It was the eve of my birthday… and nobody seem interested.

11.45pm. I went back into the bedroom. Baby still sound asleep. I played game on my cell phone.

12.05am. Mr Hubby walked in and told me happy birthday.

12.06pm. He went back to his TV program, only to came back to comfort me an hour later, after seeing that I was pretty upset and that was it. That was my so-called birthday…

Happy Birthday to Myself!!…

This is pathetic, with a capital "P"!!

Just why the fuck am I even blogging about my super un-happening birthday… when I don’t even know if there will be people who bother to read my rubbish!?

Just when I thought my life would only get better! Or would it???

15
Feb
08

Valentine 2008

This year’s V’day, I decided to make something for my hubby (since all his ex-gfs machiam can make stuff for him, I also want lor. & hor can save $ mah. hehehe…) But I may not be able to fold him paper hearts or stars & I may not be able to make cute cards or teddy bears.

BUT…. I CAN DO BETTER THAN ALL THAT!!

Coz I made my darling Mr Hubby a video using what I do best – MS Powerpoint!

I more steady, right?! LOL!!!!!!!!

…… And Mr Hubby is of coz very touched lah!

13
Feb
08

Post-CNY

Dscf0069CNY has a way of draining off my energy, I felt super lethargic after the long-weekend was over. Nothing much happened; just the yearly event of relative-visiting, eating, ang pao giving (we gave) & receiving (Laetitia received). Unfair right?!

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And the guys came over to our place to "lo hei" & gamble. I didn’t gamble lah, I quit this vice a long time ago lor.They played ‘TEXAS HOLDEM’, damn exciting, and my dear Mr Hubby won some money for our baby’s milk powder. LOL!! For more pix that nite, go to this link : (http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=18756&l=f389d&id=567068440)

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While visiting my aunt, I found a pix of myself when I was a baby. OMG! We are indeed from the same factory! (Laetitia on the left, me on the right) I cuter hor?! LOL!!

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Haiz… CNY… makes me FAT only! KNN.

Tmr is V’day… but y i no mood leh… sianz ar…

05
Feb
08

Maid Abuses Baby

Dsc01468It was on the news last night, the video footage from a CCTV, captured how the fucking CB Indonesian maid kicked and slapped the 2 mths old baby repeatedly. If you missed it, you can still catch it on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ot22xZqLMMI).

It had sparked off chains of comments on YouTube and some other forums. Most were expressing empathies to the poor baby, but some were arguing if the employers were mean to their maid for a start. Others gave, what I thought were silly comments, about "choosing a maid carefully", I bet these people never employed a FDW before.

Tell me, how do you choose "CAREFULLY"? A maid is a human, any fucking human can lie and act like machiam they damn good in front of you what! Some more, most of the time, you select these FDW based on their bio-data, which are just a heap of bullshits to begin with! Unless you are taking rejected maids (like mine), or there weren’t be a chance for you to interview them face to face. Even with an interview, what can you possibly determine out, from that brief moment of encounter?

Hiring a FDW is just a gamble! Good or bad, you won’t know until she shows her true colors. But I also believe in treating the FDW with respect & dignity, as for the rest, you just have to keep your fingers (toes, if it is not enough) crossed.

I watched the news last night, with my own maid, Karein, who incidentally, is the care-giver to my 2 mth old Laetitia too. Karein condemned the crazy maid, but she thought that the maid might be pissed with her employers; hence she took it out on their baby. We talked about it openly. I told her, we are all adults, if there is anything you aren’t happy about, tell me, we can iron it out, or if you cannot stand us and hated us, we can let you quit, but never ever bottled things inside and then vent it on Laetitia. Because Laetitia is young and innocent; she can do no wrong. Karein nodded in agreement and added that she is not afraid to voice out her thoughts to me. I guess I am super easy to talk to lah. Meanwhile I am keeping my fingers (and every goddamn "cross-able" parts of my body) tightly crossed!Dsc01467

Part of me is damn apprehensive; but I want to believe that there is still humanity in this world and there are good maids around, who are responsible and genuinely care for us.

Hopefully Karein will always love our lil’ piglet, Laetitia; for she is so cute, it is just hard to get pissed with her.