Archive for the 'Sobs' Category

10
Jan
08

Of Being FAT!

Being fat is seriously DEPRESSING!!! :(((((

I ain’t some flyweight, petite size little thing to begin with. But at the very least, I was okay with my prenatal figure. I have the boobs, the looks and I can get into my slinky dresses without looking too much like a dumpling. Now… things are just looking so grey… almost black for me.

One month post-natal and I am still wearing my maternity shorts & bermudas!!! Wear anything else; I would just be bursting the seams of it! This has so affected my moods, my confidence, my self-esteem…. arrgghhh…. my everything!

Recently, while chatting casually with my maid, I found out that Mr Hubby had a picture of him & his ex-gf tucked at a corner of his car (my maid saw it while cleaning the car interior). Perhaps he must have forgotten that he still has it (coz he just keeps too many things in his car). If this happened in the past, I would have felt nothing, but now I was actually sadden for days, by this discovery. And one thing leads to another. I remembered that he kept his entire collection of all his past ex-gfs’ photos in his bedroom, back at his parents’ place. I suddenly felt so sour even though they are all history and he has no intention of moving any part of that collection over to our new home.

Retrosepctively I wouldn’t care a fuck about it, coz I was dead sure I was more chio than any of them (even though, I hadn’t seen any of them before), had the most interesting personality, was much more attractive, had the prettiest eyes… blah… blah… blah… And most importantly, I get to be his wife and not any of them. But now… things are just different, not like it’s really different… but kinda like I am different. It’s complex, but I am sure you know what I meant.

This is getting so extreme that I have no desire to doll myself up, I avoid looking into the mirror, I no longer wanna take pictures of myself. Even when I go out with Mr Hubby, I wondered if people is gonna be judgmental and find us incompatible. It’s like: "Why is this good-looking chap going out with this fat aunty. His eyes got stamps ar, so sayang lor."

I WAS ONCE SUPER CHIO OK!!!

THIS IS SO FUCKING SAD RIGHT?!?!?!

.

.

Yar, I know I am just being cranky & thinks way too much. Haiz……

Terence_cindyDeep down inside me, I know that I married the most wonderful man who loves me very very much & will not leave me just because I piled up the pounds to give birth to our lovely baby. But when the weighing scale tips up, my confidence takes the nosedive.

Someone said it takes 9 months to pile up; it takes 9 months to shed them away. But my sanity just can’t wait that long. I don’t ask to be tiny, just let me be me… the old me who weighs 10 kg lighter! I AM SO FUCKING DESPERATE TO BE SLIM!!!!!

PS: Gosh! Look at my spare tires!!!!!!! Somebody kill me please!

Advertisements
02
Sep
07

Goodbye Siegrid…

These 7 months has been great for me. I had Siegrid, & her family, they are the most wonderful dog-sitter in the world!

They loved me as if I was their own dog. I got lots of hugs & pats, regular evening walks and they even brought me along to Sentosa, when the whole family went there for picnic.

Sadly, they had to move away as the rental of their apartment became too costly, hence they had to shift to a HDB flat somewhere further away.Dsc01297

Yesterday was their last day, I can sensed that everyone was upset, especially Siegrid. She gave me a fluffy toy dog (she thinks it resembles me) as a farewell gift. Cindy says that I can’t play with it, she don’t want to risk having it tore apart by me, but I swear it ain’t gonna happen, because it is Siegrid’s last present for me! And I am so going to treasure it!

Cindy gave Siegrid a cute "Forever Friends" notebook with a photo of me in it! We wrote this behind the picture, "Dear Siegrid, thank you for taking good care of Oki. We will always miss you…"

This morning, Cindy received a SMS from Siegrid, she was so touched that she was crying when she reading it to me.

Siegrid wrote, "Hi Cindy, thanks for the gift, I was really touched. Oki helped create great memories for us, we’ll definitely never forget him. Thanks for giving us that opportunity. We really hope you find him a loving dog-sitter. Please keep in touch."

Dsc01295_1Cindy says that I will be going to the new dog-sitter tomorrow. They are a Korean family. We don’t know how it will turn out to be, but I am sure nobody will ever replace Siegrid in my heart.

Signed,

Oki, the guest blogger.

25
Jul
07

Sick (II)

Yesterday was utterly unbearable for me. I stayed in bed all the time, only got up occasionally to pee, eat and take medicines. The whole time I was woozy and I just slept thru the day and night.

Mr Hubby got to know my plight and came home early despite having original plan to work late. After eating half a bowl of fish soup he bought, I tried hard to stay awake in front of the telly, only to give in after 30mins and headed straight for the bed.

He came and asked me what I need, I just murmurred about wanting a thermometer, because doc had asked me to monitor my temperature and if fever persisted, I would have to be admitted in the hospital.

He disappearred and came home with a thermometer. It was quite late already, I wonder how he managed to find one. I was rather touched.

Throughout the night, I was tormented with the sudden feelings of extreme heat and coldness and my fever persisted, it only went away this morning.

He didn’t talk much to me, I guess he is still upset over the quarrel we had last Sunday evening, however he took care of me when I was sick and that I knew, I didn’t marry the wrong man.

I really hope we can communicate better in the future and he can take time to understand my decision. I wish I can talk to him again, expressing my thought on engaging a day-time confinement nanny and stay at OUR OWN HOME after my delivery.

It might look like a simple thing to say, but it’s totally different when the person I have to convince is my own husband. Is that very ironic?! Especially, if you know what an eloquent person, I am. I just lose the ability to articulate my thoughts when I am faced with him. Words, not matter how gentle, that spun out from my mouth just have a way of provoking him when there is a diversion of opinion in us.

He is such a wonderful man, if only he give me a chance to tell him that I needed his compromises and understanding.

Everyone tells me that I should stay happy when I am pregnant. Believe me, I am trying very hard already. It’s not easy when you can’t get the person closest to you on your side.

But I will continue to keep up to the brighter side of life, for the sake of the baby in me.

**Baby, if you are reading this when you grow up, be sure to love me, your mummy lots more ok!

23
Jul
07

Sick

I am physically sick, emotionally wounded… probably distorted with hurt.Dsc01286

I was feeling under the weather over the weekend and finally my little cough and cold brewed into a full-blown respiratory infection.

My nose is congested, I can hardly breathe. My throat is sore from coughing really hard. My chest feels tight. My head is heavy and pounding away like nobody’s business. I am running a temperature and asthmatic attack kept me awake last night. Looking at the amount of pills I have to swallow, makes me more sick.

On the other hand, my eyes are puffy from crying. My heart aches as if it is being ripped apart. My mind wonders to the extreme. My moral has reach its lowest.

I am feeling so hopeless helpless…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night, we had some serious issue when I rejected his grandma’s offer to stay with her, in her home for my confinement. I had planned to come back to my own home after my baby is born. Because I knew what I needed most after delivery is to be HOME, a place where I can relate to, a sense of belonging & security. Putting me up somewhere else is going to be pretty traumatic for me, I am afraid that it will add on to contribute stress on me mentally. You don’t know how much fear I have on post-natal blues and what it would do to me.

I had been battling depression for more than decade, I am so terrified of losing it. It is most frightening when you can’t control your own sanity and do things to hurt yourself and even people around you. I don’t want to go back there again.

It makes me very disappointed when he is least concern about my needs. I used to think that he might understand me and is aware of my psychological health and after last night, I think I was wrong about it. He must have thought depression is a feeling, something that I can control, he didn’t recognize that it is an illness. I guess he must have forgotten or didn’t realize that I suffered from BPD and I fought hard to gain control of it without medication.

I know where he is coming from, he wanted me to be well taken care of during my confinement, but the least he can do is the respect my decision and trust that I know what I need for own body. Perhaps he didn’t know me, but I hope at least he tries to listen to me and not forces his decision upon me.

If you ask me to try talking to him… believe me, I always do. My soft pleads and reasonings are nonsense in his eyes. My cry sent him flying into a rage. He stood up, threw the cushion on the floor and stormed off from the living room. I was left flooded with my sorrows and tears, while he shut the bedroom door, ignoring me.

I felt really devastated. Picture me, misunderstood, denied of companionship, feeling really ill, sobbing uncontrollably, pregnant and all alone sitting on the sofa staring at the cushion lying on the floor. It’s been a while since I felt so miserable.

Miseries just wouldn’t spare me. Later that night, my asthma acted up and it took me a while to stabilize my breathing with my inhaler and he was totally unmoved. For a moment, I was wondering if it is worth falling in love ever.

In the morning, he wanted to send me to the clinic, I declined his offer, for I am not ready to face him, or the side of him that makes me shudder with fear, fear of getting hurt again.

I swear I am NOT the unreasonable type of pregnant wife who wanted everything my way. I don’t make extraordinary demands, all I ever wanted is to come back to my own home after I give birth. Sounds reasonable?

Can he hear me? Can you tell him? Would he listen?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then again…

I ask myself what is a big deal? I heard the other half of myself answering,"You know nothing will get you down, if only you aren’t you."

And I cried, for I wanted to love him, and not letting my radical side takes over and turns me yet into a person without emotions.

If only…. if only he listens to my cry and realized that I am so torn apart….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can recover physically…

Could I choose not to bear the scars of turmoil?

27
May
07

What’s wrong with me?

Perhaps the pregnancy hormones are wrecking havoc in me, I suddenly find myself crying a lot these days, from minor stuff to major drama-mama.

I had to believe that ALL men are from Mars, they aren’t the most sympathetic creatures around. Yes, I might be really blessed, I don’t have puke my gut out and I am not tormented by some nonsensical food craving, but I have my emotional turmoils, no less. Why can’t they comprehend with the fact that pregnancy is never an easy period of any women?

Dsc01300I never asked to be treated like a queen (I know that’s ridiculously impossible), I am just hoping that he would try to understand me a bit more, acknowledge my signals of distress and help me through my endless sea of frustration.

Or perhaps this preggy was really asking for too much from her Martian??…

24
Feb
07

Is that what life is all about afterall?

(Please be advised that the pictures found in this blog entry might be disturbing to some people.)

I sat in front of my laptop for a long time. I was pondering… I don’t really know how should I begin. I don’t wish to cry while I type out my entry, for I don’t suppose I have anymore tears left after last night….

I had a rough night with my bf; yes, you were right, it was the night of my birthday. I can’t figure out what went wrong, but he sure isn’t coming home tonight, that I know. Sidetracked… sorry about it. I wanted to say that I had a dream last night, it was one queer dream. And it was somewhat gory.

I dreamed that I sent my dog to his doggie nanny, who was living on the 8th floor of my block and after that, I just leaped off from the void deck of that floor, and end my life, without a rhyme or reason. I woke up agonized and troubled.

Dsc00647 Dsc00643 Sadly, an incident mirrored my dream; this morning, somebody jumped off my apartment block and killed himself. I heard the initial loud landing and instinctively felt it was a suicide. It was a morbid premonition. I don’t know why I had sensed it so strongly, but there were stranger things that followed.

When I sent my dog to its nanny this evening, I realized that the man who committed suicide this morning, did jumped off and end his life from the exact location I dreamed about and he actually lived on the 8th floor!

I don’t what my dream was trying to tell me, but I was quite freaked out! To be honest, I had been rather suicidal in the past. There were more that once that I sat on the edge of my windows, waiting for the rush of the moment to end it all. I had committed 2 suicides, both with lethal drug overdose; one which was near fatal. (Don’t worry, those days were over for me already.)

If you are thinking that killing yourself would send someone deeply regretful and you can use your death to torment him/her forever… think again… That wasn’t what I have witnessed so far.

After your death, the world continues to revolve….. if death could meant anything, it would only mean that…. you lost it all.

REST IN PEACE. WHATEVER THAT WORRIES YOU, CEASED FROM THAT MOMENT YOUR HEART STOP BEATING.

I have been smiling, but that doesn’t necessarily means I am happy. Just know that I am trying my best to be……..

02
Feb
07

But I am not your immortal…

Before everybody starts thinking that my ex-bf is a monster, I think I have to give him back some credit. About 7 years ago, I just got discharged from a psych ward after a major breakdown. I quit my job (and almost quit being alive), that was when I met him.

For the next 3 years, he was my best friend, he took me into his family when he knew I longed for one and he became someone who protected me and accepted everything about me. He had always been very forgiving to me and his love had sheltered me and helped me grew stronger. Although we were rather poor, we always had each other. We held ourselves tight through the difficult times of our lives. I think I remembered that those days were filled with laughters.

Fast forwarded… On our 4th year together, we were both doing pretty well, earning more comfortably and that was when the evil of money robbed away the strength of our relationship. He started messing around and crumbled everything that we had ever built over the years. Although on the surface he was still with me, but I felt that I had always been alone. The situation continued to torture me for close to 2 years.

That night I moved out of his place, I heard this song from Evanescence, “My Immortal” and a sentence from the song “There‘s simply too much that time cannot erased”, it struck me that the man I had loved before, is gone forever. He had hurt me so much and nothing can undone the damage. I packed up and I left and this time, I never come back anymore.

Borrowing a sentence from the song, “I held your hands thru all of these years… you still held on me…” As I am closing our chapter, it is time to let go of the hand of yours, because I am not your immortal.

Thank you for everything that you had done for me, in our past when we did love each other.